My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
