My Higher Power is John Stamos
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
