i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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