I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize