my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
