I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
