Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
