Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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