The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
