You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
