Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
