You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
