It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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