Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
