I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
