I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
