Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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