I think I died a long time ago.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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