Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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