i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I believe in your delicious
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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