I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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