I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sarcasm needs its own font
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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