i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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