8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
