There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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