Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
