Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
