Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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