I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
