so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So here I am, sexting at work.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
