where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
