dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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