Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
