Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
