If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
