you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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