did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
