gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
