So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
