Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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