why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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