I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
