Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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