what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
