i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
