I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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