i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
