it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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