I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
