my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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