Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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