I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
should my penis look like a turkey
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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